It's All Downhill From Here
by Sabathiel
Summary: As the road comes to an end, Lavi falls apart and everything goes downhill.


**AN: I like writing depressing things when I'm sad. WARNING! for character death. Takes place kind of after the Edo/Noah's Ark arc.  
D Gray Man belongs to Katsura Hoshino!**

* * *

_"__If they tell you that he died of sleeping pills you must know that he died of a wasting grief, of a slow bleeding at the soul."  
-Clifford Odets_

"Lavi, what happened to your arm?" Lenalee asked with her doe-like disposition. Before Lavi could shove it out of sight, she seized it quickly, rolling up his sleeve to reveal numerous little cuts and scratches that soiled his skin.

"I dunno," Lavi answered, feigning stupidity. "You know those cuts you get on your arm and you have no idea where they came from? Those are like this."

Lenalee looked at him with a frown and then back to the little cuts. "Yes, but I don't get cut like this."

"You know, Lenalee, I probably got them on my last mission. I did get attacked by some akuma, so I probably just got a little scraped up," he said firmly, trying to get her to buy his story.

The suspicion did not falter from her eyes, but she dropped the subject and let go of his arm. "Be more careful, okay?" she pleaded as her desperate eyes met his.

"Anything for you," he answered, lying through his teeth. The light that flickered in her eyes showed that she believed him and she merrily left him alone to go deliver coffee to her brother and the Science department, or bother Allen and Kanda.

_"I thought you'd fall apart for a moment there,"_ a cold voice whispered to Lavi.

Keeping his cool, Lavi glanced over to Deak from the corner of his eye and merely shrugged. "Don't be ridiculous. I don't feel anything."

_"That's right. Bookmen have no hearts. It must feel empty, Lavi,"_ Deak sneered. Forty-Eight glanced at the arm that Lenalee had been fretting about earlier. _"Akuma mission, huh? Nice save."_

"Thanks," Lavi answered, pulling his sleeve down to hide the numerous cuts he had given to himself with the tip of a quill.

He couldn't really recall when he had started seeing Deak so vividly again. It must have been sometime after Japan when he boarded Noah's Ark and Road forced him to confront his past. After returning to Headquarters, Deak was just there. He wasn't much of a bother or anything, and he hardly talked. He just stood off at the sidelines and merely observed what was happening, like a proper Bookman should.

The two never exchanged words as Deak tried not to draw attention to himself. He was just unnoticed and hidden, not getting himself involved. It was after Lavi had taken the nib of his quill and ran it over his arm, trying to break the skin, that Deak finally said something.

Deak had shaken his head in disappointment at the sight of Lavi's arms. _"If you're really going to cut yourself, use a knife, not a pen_,_"_ he had said, offering no sympathy or pity for Forty-Nine. Instead, he had given him support for ending their life. It unnerved Lavi that Forty-Eight had no care of what Lavi was doing to his body. Deak called it cowardly cutting and left it at that. Afterwards, when Deak started speaking more, Lavi felt sadness and pain. He didn't know _why_ he was feeling such emotions, but it spread like the plague and consumed him until he was nothing but a miserable coward hiding behind a cheerful mask.

_"You're being careless,"_ Deak stated, drawing Lavi back to a reality as cold and harsh as Deak's personality. _"If Lenalee can see your cuts, then the others can too. Especially Bookman. He'll confront you if you're not careful."_

"I slipped. Won't happen again," Lavi responded nonchalantly as he pressed his hand over his heart, a new habit he made after returning from the Ark. Keeping his head down, and his cut arm at his side, Lavi hurried to the cafeteria where his friends were waiting so they wouldn't worry and get suspicious.

He barely touched his food that Jeryy cooked for him. His favorite grilled meat seemed to have no flavor in his mouth, but Deak sat at his side, ordering him to force it down his throat if he had to.

"Lavi, are you alright?" sweet Lenalee asked him again, sensing the distance he was keeping from everybody.

Knowing that she had drawn everybody's attention to him, he forced a smile and shrugged. "Just tired, I guess. Panda's overworking me again."

"Che, you're just lazy," Kanda spat.

"No need to be so mean, Yuu," Lavi said, laughing uneasily. "I'll probably just take a nap later today or something."

_"A very long nap,"_ Deak noted.

"Then you should eat more," Lenalee said, gesturing to his half-eaten plate.

"I don't have much of an appetite today," Lavi said, and pushed the plate to Allen. "You should eat it, Moyashi, so it doesn't go to waste. And, it'll help you grow taller."

Allen stared at him with wide eyes and then back to his mountain of food. "Eh? If you say so," he said, and continued inhaling his food.

"He'll always be Moyashi," Kanda muttered in an attempt to spite Allen, which was successful.

With a shrug, Lavi excused himself, telling them that he'd be in the library catching up on his godawful paperwork. Kanda stopped him before he could leave and said in a harsh whisper, "I don't know what's wrong with you, but you'd better get over it soon."

Lavi laughed and feigned innocence. "I don't know what Yuu is talking about," he said and pulled away from Kanda.

_"I _told_ you," _Deak spat. _"Careless! Both Lenalee and Kanda know something's up. Bookman and Allen will be next." _As they passed the kitchen, Deak suddenly hissed, _"Get a knife from Jeryy. Now. Hurry. Quick." _

"Eh?" Lavi looked at Deak confused. "Knife?"

_"Yes, knife. NOW NOW NOW! QUICK QUICK QUICK!" _he hissed and Lavi was forced to comply. He slinked into Jeryy's kitchen and pulled a small steak knife from Jeryy's collection of kitchen knives. _"GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!" _Deak then snapped, ushering Forty-Nine out of the kitchen and into the hallways without suspicion. _"Hide it in your coat, idiot_," he then added, seeing how dumbfounded Lavi looked with a knife in hand.

"What are you implying?" Lavi questioned, safely pocketing the knife. "You want me to kill myself?" Deak shrugged and disappeared into the sidelines again. "Why am I even listening to him?" Lavi sighed, rolling his eyes and heading to the library where a very cross Bookman kicked him and showered him with piles of paperwork.

Sighing, Lavi settled himself into a chair and began writing. Bookman watched him carefully and then left him alone, reminding him not to be a brat.

_"I see he's still as grumpy as ever,"_ Deak noted.

"I figured it out. I'm feeling sad because of you. There's all this sadness coming from you," Lavi said.

_"You? Me? We're the same, aren't we? You said so,"_ Deak answered cryptically.

"Why are you so sad? And why am I feeling this way? Deak, it hurts," he whispered as he clutched his heart, feeling it beat beneath his fingertips. "Is this the Noah getting to me?"

_"It's us,"_ Deak answered. _"You had to confront your past, so you met me again and all the turmoil I felt before I was erased." _

"Why were you erased, Forty-Eight?"

_"So you could come into existence, Forty-Nine."_

"Why were you erased, Forty-Eight?" Lavi asked again. Deak didn't respond. "I don't want to feel this way anymore. This isn't me."

_"What do you mean, 'this isn't you'?!"_ Deak snapped. _"Of course it's you. You're me. I'm you. We're one and the same. I thought you realized that already."_ His tone sounded somewhat hurt, sensing Lavi's implication that they weren't the same.

"I don't want to feel this way without a reason," Lavi responded, not liking his alternate persona's sudden rage. "Calm down, I just don't like to be sad and depressed without a reason. Deak, you're angry and I just want to know why and why it's spreading to me. Whatever state of turmoil you were in should have been erased with you."

_"Doesn't work like that,"_ Deak retorted dryly. _"Fragments linger. I tried to end it, Forty-Nine, so you wouldn't have to go through this. I tried to end it. I want to die, Forty-Nine."_

"Oh," Lavi said, getting up from his chair in the library. He hurried out, leaving his paperwork unfinished and discarded along with his Innocence. "I was suicidal," he concluded. "And according to you, I still am. This pain won't go away, will it? What happens if I get erased?"

_"You don't want to get erased. You like being Lavi."_

"Lavi?" Allen called out.

Lavi winced, and Deak disappeared into the sidelines to observe. He put on his fake smile and fake happiness and turned to face Allen. "Hey, Moyashi."

Allen pouted at the nickname. "Are you done all of your paperwork?" he asked curiously.

"Nah, taking a little break. I think I'm going to camp out in one of these empty Exorcist rooms and take a nap," Lavi said, trying to get Allen to leave him alone. "You?"

Allen shrugged. "I don't know. I think I might go sparring or see the people at the Science Department."

"You ought to head down to the Science Department. Lenalee's probably there and you can save her from all the scientists and Komui," Lavi said.

"Good idea," Allen said cheerfully and headed away. "Good luck hiding from Bookman."

After Allen went his own way, Lavi followed Deak down the dark hallway of empty rooms. "How long have we been feeling this way?" he finally asked, knowing that he was all alone now.

_"To be honest? Since Forty-Four. I think he witnessed something that he never got over and then Forty-Five, Six and Seven fell to the same pain and just added to it. I tried to make it stop; I tried to lock it all away, but it hurt and I wanted it to end. I thought you'd be the one to survive, but Road reawakened it." _

"I guess I die then," Lavi said, feeling oddly at peace and he pressed a hand to his heart. "It hurts."

_"I know,_" Deak said. _"Becoming a Bookman frightens you. This war with the Innocence and the Noah frightens you. You couldn't bear it if your friends died and you survived because you're nothing but an historian." _

A tugging feeling of guilt built up in Lavi's chest and he finally stopped, gasping out, "I can't do this." Deak looked back at him like he was crazy. "This isn't right. It'll stop hurting eventually."

_"Don't be ridiculous,_" Deak snapped. _"It won't ever stop hurting! It has to end now, or it'll hurt forever. I know. I tried."_

"So I'll die alone in some empty exorcist room where I won't ever be found?" Lavi inquired, looking down the dark hallway. "I'd rather die in a familiar place like my own room."

_"No, you'll be found, and they'll stop you," _Deak explained. _"They'll close the wound and tie you down like they did to Lenalee. Then Bookman will erase you." _Lavi looked at Deak, wondering how on earth he knew these things. _"It's happened before," _Deak said quietly, answering his thoughts. _"I tried to kill myself, and Bookman caught me before I could bleed to death. He erased me afterwards and made a cheerful, lively Lavi. He'll do it again if he catches you and Fifty will go through the same thing, before realizing the pain he's in. And then you and I will try and save him from his despair. End it now, Forty-Nine. Don't make Fifty suffer. I'm sorry that I, Forty-Eight, had to put you through this."_

"I didn't realize it," Lavi answered, starting to follow Deak again. "Gramps erased all that pain," he concluded. "All this sadness and pain is because of you. It's because I met you again on the Ark." Deak nodded and then led him down the dark, empty hallway, stopping in front of a room near the end of the hallway. "This one?" Lavi asked, and opened the door. He lit a lamp pulled the curtains open to get a view of the lovely night sky. The bed mattress squeaked beneath his weight and he removed the knife from his coat. "I like it," he mumbled softly, looking out the window; this was the end of the road.

Deak nodded and looked at the knife. _"You don't have to end it. You're stronger than me. Maybe, you can pull through this."_

Lavi offered him a weak smile. "Having second thoughts? That should be me. Are you losing your cold interior by any chance?" Reaching over, he picked up the knife and watched the candlelight flicker on its shiny blade. He rolled up his sleeve and then pressed it to his right arm. "Is it across or straight down?"

_"Straight down,"_ Deak responded. _"I tried across. It didn't bleed fast enough."_

"Here's to freedom," Lavi said, trying to make light of the moment as he dug the tip into his forearm and dragged it down his most prominent vein. It hurt like hell, but there was something about the burning feeling that made Lavi revel in it. He considered cutting his other arm, but Deak quietly reminded him that he was committing suicide, not self-mutilation.

Biting his lip, Lavi set the knife down and watched his blood well, pool, and then spill over from the open wound. Then he lay back onto the bed and pressed his unmarred arm to his chest, feeling his heartbeat. "Deak," he called out softly, as he felt the blood soak into his coat and onto the pristine white sheets, "you scared?"

_"Shhhh, just close your eyes and relax. It'll be over soon," _Deak said, sitting at the edge on the bed.

"I think I'm sick," Lavi said, finding comfort in talking through his last moments with Deak and feeling oddly at peace. Deak looked at him curiously. "Not twisted sick. Just ill." Deak watched the bright color in Lavi's eye fade away and the blood that kept flowing freely spread around him. Lavi closed his eye, keeping his hand pressed firmly to his heart and let everything go.

* * *

"Lavi's missing," Bookman said seriously to Komui. "He left his Innocence behind."

Komui, Lenalee, Allen and Kanda seemed startled upon hearing Bookman's statement. "Where could he have gone?" Lenalee asked, touching her hand to her face in worry.

"I saw him earlier today," Komui added. "He was wandering around Headquarters. I'm sure Lavi is fine. Is he not in the library?"

"Che, he's probably slacking off," Kanda said, dismissing any sudden conclusions.

"I've checked everywhere," Bookman stated. "He's not anywhere."

Allen frowned. "I saw him wandering," he said quietly. "Lavi was in the hallway where the empty rooms are for incoming Exorcists."

"What would he be doing there?" Lenalee said, even more worried now. She got up instantly, deciding that she'd go there and drag him back. "He's okay," she assured herself. "He promised he would be careful."

A sense of dread came over Allen at the realization that if something happened to Lavi, it would be his fault. There were so many empty rooms down the hall and the group pushed each door, looking for any sign of Lavi.

When they reached a locked door near the end of the hallway, Lenalee kicked it down without a second doubt and then she screamed. Falling to her knees, she screamed as a part of her world was irrevocably destroyed and crumbled down around her. She screamed as Komui's arms came around her protectively as he held his sister in comfort. He forced himself to look away from the sight that was causing her such agony as his eyes watered.

Bookman tensed and stood still, willing time to stop forever. The dark kohl around his eyes smudged as unwilling tears spilled from his eyes. He grieved and let emotions overwhelm his heart. He was grieving as a _grandfather_, not a Bookman.

A muscle in Kanda's jaw and hand jumped as he gritted his teeth and clenched his fist. He squeezed his eyes shut, not wanting to believe this cruel reality. It was a dream. It had to be. The stupid rabbit had to be playing his tricks again. This could not be reality.

Allen stood in shock as he cried. If he had just talked to Lavi, and stopped him from coming here, this never would have happened. Lavi would still be with them if he had just stopped him from coming here. If Allen had sensed something was wrong with his friend, then their world wouldn't have been shattered.

If only Allen knew, then maybe Lavi wouldn't be dead in this empty room, looking relaxed and at peace as he clutched his heart and felt its last beats. The offensive weapon that ended his life had a coat of dried blood on its blade and lay cast away beneath the moonlight. And there was so much blood, soaking into Lavi's coat and the soiled sheets he lay on. His arm, lying at his side, was slick with blood, drying like ink on parchment.


End file.
